Some things never change. Like my ability to procrastinate on everything. For example, this blog. Been talking about doing a blog since I got the official diagnosis back on August 14th. Something else I procrastinated on recently was going to my doctor originally to get checked out. But why go when nothing really bad is going on? "Its my high-stress, super tough on myself, competitive attitude that is making me sick" - not anything serious. I'm tired all the time & losing weight cause I work my ass off while pulling 12 hour night shifts in the ER in Stockton. It's "normal" for new nurses to be sick their whole first year. I had an explanation for everything - except that feeling of dread in my chest when I actually assessed myself & took a realistic look at my symptoms.
1. Night sweats - common causes that come to mind: tuberculosis & Lymphoma. 2.Dramatic weight loss ( although fun) is a pretty big red flag for cancers 3. Weak immune system-sick ALL the time 4. Hair loss 5.Stopped menstruating 6. Nagging cough that lasts for months with random fevers.
I had gotten to the point where I didn't want to go to the Dr because ignorance is bliss - because I knew in my gut something was really wrong. And going in would mean facing it.
It really wasn't me that chose to go - it was more Koy having an intervention with me, & making me go.
Some of you may be able to relate to the emotions you feel when waiting to find out about a diagnosis. Some of you may even know how it feels when you get phone calls on the weekend from your doc giving you the news you didn't want. For me I went numb. My whole world was upside down. And worst case scenarios started to flood my thoughts. Now I needed a game plan: how do I tell people why I'm having surgery?
I was able to push my way through the "next available appointment is not for 3 weeks" by calling everyday, whatever UCDMC number I could get a hold of- and it worked! I'd had 2 CT scans, a PET scan, & surgical biopsy performed before my original scan appointment ever came around. I called this time my "ruling out cancer" time - convinced it would turn out to be some rare anomaly. BUT, my fabulous surgical oncologist called me at home on Sunday August 14th: "Kym, this is just a fucked up situation - but the pathology reports are back early, and you have Hodgkins Lymphoma". Fuck.
Koy was with me during that call - as he has been this whole time. Truly the perfect partner. And I could tell from his reaction, he had known this too. We both did.
But then came the most difficult task: how to tell my parents? Not over the phone. They were at the cabin, & I was post-op, so driving to them wasn't going to work. So they came down to my place for dinner. Worst conversation I've ever had to start - just awful news to have to give & to see the looks on their faces. Just heartbreaking.
Being sick is hard & no part of it is "fun". But by far the worst part is seeing how my illness affects those that love me. I'm still, to this day more concerned about Koy, my parents, & my sister.
But an important lesson for me: it is so true that your patient is not just the person in the bed - as a nurse, I need to care for the family too.
